I went from playing toy soldiers in the dirt to tea sets and dolls over night! I hated it! Hair bows and clips replaced the wild hair and nail polish and lip gloss replaced the collection of toy cars I had hidden under my bed. The nights of watching boxing with my dad were now nights of tears and begging to not sleep with rollers in my hair AGAIN. It was sheer and utter torture!
My mother was a plain person. She dressed plainly and was not the type to need to be the center of attention. I do not know if she did it on purpose, if I was maybe her life sized doll, or if she just wanted to impress people, but she had a deep need for me to look good at all times. By the time I was 12 years old she had me wearing foundation because the spider veins on my face were ugly. I hated it.
I do not think my mother intended to make me self conscious. I really believe that she had good intentions and that it was more about her insecurity and wanting people to like me. Unfortunately in the process of doing so, I learned I was not pretty enough to face the world without a mask. I was stuck in that mentality for years.
When I started attending an apostolic church one of the first things I learned was that make up was wrong. I had, and still have, a very hard time with that. For a season, I gave the “mask” up completely but was never really happy with myself as a woman. I did not like looking like every other woman in church and I was miserable. I prayed about it and asked God to take the desire of the make up away. He never did. I am, however, more comfortable without it now. I no longer have the NEED to wear it and can go days without it.
When I started being a “young lady” I did it because I had to obey my mother. Now I love being a girly girl and all that it entails. I love changing the color of my nail polish…red, pink, blue, green, purple, sparkles, glitter…you name it I have it! I am a sucker for bright eye shadow and am learning to wear bright red lipstick in my old age!
I do not wear make up now because I feel the need to hide behind it. I have learned to live with it or without it and I have learned that it does not make me who I am. After years of being told make up was wrong and feeling bad for wearing it anyway, I had to experience something I never thought was possible. A room full of make up and pant wearing, short haired
Christian women ushering in the spirit of God like I had never felt before is what finally opened my eyes to the realization that God does not judge us by our appearance but by the condition of our hearts. Being a girly girl does not separate me from the love of God. As a matter of fact, NOTHING can…Romans 8:38-39 tells me so.
I am free.
John 8:36
