Being a Girly Girl

I am a sucker for nail polish, make up and all things girly. I have not always been this way. As a matter of fact, when I was a kid I was a tom boy…gasp! I climbed trees, played in the dirt and jumped ramps on my skateboard with the neighborhood boys. It all ended when I was 8 years old and became a “woman”. All of a sudden my mother decided I needed to learn how to be a young lady…that is when this whole girly thing started.

I went from playing toy soldiers in the dirt to tea sets and dolls over night! I hated it! Hair bows and clips replaced the wild hair and nail polish and lip gloss replaced the collection of toy cars I had hidden under my bed. The nights of watching boxing with my dad were now nights of tears and begging to not sleep with rollers in my hair AGAIN. It was sheer and utter torture!

My mother was a plain person. She dressed plainly and was not the type to need to be the center of attention. I do not know if she did it on purpose, if I was maybe her life sized doll, or if she just wanted to impress people, but she had a deep need for me to look good at all times. By the time I was 12 years old she had me wearing foundation because the spider veins on my face were ugly. I hated it.

I do not think my mother intended to make me self conscious. I really believe that she had good intentions and that it was more about her insecurity and wanting people to like me. Unfortunately in the process of doing so, I learned I was not pretty enough to face the world without a mask. I was stuck in that mentality for years.

When I started attending an apostolic church one of the first things I learned was that make up was wrong. I had, and still have, a very hard time with that. For a season, I gave the “mask” up completely but was never really happy with myself as a woman. I did not like looking like every other woman in church and I was miserable. I prayed about it and asked God to take the desire of the make up away. He never did. I am, however, more comfortable without it now. I no longer have the NEED to wear it and can go days without it.

When I started being a “young lady” I did it because I had to obey my mother. Now I love being a girly girl and all that it entails. I love changing the color of my nail polish…red, pink, blue, green, purple, sparkles, glitter…you name it I have it! I am a sucker for bright eye shadow and am learning to wear bright red lipstick in my old age!

I do not wear make up now because I feel the need to hide behind it. I have learned to live with it or without it and I have learned that it does not make me who I am. After years of being told make up was wrong and feeling bad for wearing it anyway, I had to experience something I never thought was possible. A room full of make up and pant wearing, short haired
Christian women ushering in the spirit of God like I had never felt before is what finally opened my eyes to the realization that God does not judge us by our appearance but by the condition of our hearts. Being a girly girl does not separate me from the love of God. As a matter of fact, NOTHING can…Romans 8:38-39 tells me so.

I am free.

John 8:36

Ode To Miss Molly

Your life started out ugly

With abuse and painful wounds

A broken tail a reminder

Of the things you had been through

Yes you are damaged

And not too trusting yet

But that does not stop you

From being a wonderful pet

When I see your happy face

And your wagging broken tail

I am thankful they did not break

Your beautiful spirit as well

You are a smart little girl

Full of energy and love

Happy to run and play

And an occasional belly rub.

You are a fearless dog

Not afraid to stand your ground

You run the show around here

And let all know who is boss

You love to play outside

And have even taught Tank

To not be such a baby

And go outside to bark

I love to see you running

And chasing the hounds

Out the back door

To romp and run around

So little Miss Molly

Don’t you worry about a thing

No one will ever hurt you

You are always safe with me

Granny Panties

When I was young, I thought 40 was old. Now that I am in my 40’s I still think it’s old…just not that old. My body no longer does what I want it to do and my mind is not as sharp as it use to be. Foods I like I can no longer eat because they don’t sit well with me anymore and if I plan on doing any type of out of the normal activity I better cancel any plans I have afterwards because I will need a few days to recover. In my mind I am still young but can someone tell my body that because it has no idea!

When did I get old? Just yesterday I was swinging on the swings in the back yard with my dad pushing me as high as I could go. The day before that I was skateboarding off of homemade ramps in the middle of the street with the neighborhood boys. The other night my sister and I got into a huge fight because I wanted to watch The Hardy Boys and she wanted to watch M.A.S.H. Now I am a mother and grandmother of two with bills, responsibilities and too many aches and pains. Did we pay the electric bill? When is the phone bill due? We need to go to the grocery store and get dog food. Is there enough milk? Does anyone know where the Advil is? Yikes…I grew up!

Am I really suppose to have all the answers because I don’t! Did I miss a class somewhere in my 20’s or 30’s that was suppose to help me with this time in my life? Did I not get the memo? My body has betrayed me. It can be 30 degrees out and I’m hot! Not a normal hot but a heat that comes from so far inside me I feel as if I am about to boil over! The heater is set at 68 degrees in the bedrooms but I will sleep in the living room with the door open and still be warm! Foods that I enjoyed before will now make me break out in hives, give me heartburn or cause me to stay close to the bathroom! If I get out of bed wrong my back will lock up and I will be in pain for days! Let’s not talk about the wrinkles…oh those darn wrinkles! Where did they come from? When did they sneak up on me? And why did they bring their friends, the gray hairs? It’s just too much!

But you know what? One trip to the mall or a post on Facebook from a young person makes me dance in my granny panties with gratitude for my old age! Have you seen the young people out there? Boys with sagging skinny jeans and hair the covers their face. 12 year old girls with the body of 20 years old walking around the mall half naked with more makeup than face. Young people constantly complaining about how their lives suck because their boyfriend/girlfriend didn’t call them that day or they can’t go out and hang with their friends because they have to do chores. 9 year old with Iphones and Kindles and 500 friends on Facebook. I look around and am disgusted most of the time. What happened to our children? What happened to my generation that would make them allow that type of behavior? Yup, I am old!

I sound like my mother! I never understood her until now. I always said she didn’t understand me and it was true. I think we get to an age where we aren’t suppose to understand. I think we have a certain amount of time to instill morals and values into our children and hope they can some how pull that out of themselves when they get older. My mother use to tell me I should listen to her because she knew what she was saying but I never believed her. I believe her now. I understand her frustration now. It’s funny how we don’t get it until we get older. I wish now I had listened and taken her advice. Maybe it’s just something we need to learn on our own.

So with aches and pains, hot flashes and granny panties I take up my torch as an old lady proudly. I will grumble and complain and never understand this generation. I will stick to foods that agree with me and I will roll my eyes when I see young boys in sagging skinny jeans or girls with words like “Juicy” on the butt of their sweats. I will cringe when I hear disrespectful young ladies and crude young men. I will proudly purchase hair dye, and spend an outrageous amount of money on anit-wrinkle creams. I will not be ashamed to buy Activia or lactose free milk. And I will hold my head high when I forego the sexy lingerie and go straight to the flannel jammies! I am, after all, a well seasoned old lady!

Twinkies and Strawberry Milk

I have always wanted a son. I have a beautiful daughter but a part of me has always felt a son would have been nice. A few months after my daughter was born I became pregnant again with a boy. For whatever God’s reasons, I never got to hold my baby boy. We named him Steven Ray. I have never forgotten him and as the years go by I can’t help but wonder what kind a man he would have turned out to be. Would he be like his father or me? Who would he look like? Would he be a mommy’s boy? So many unanswered questions.

As my daughter grew up I wished she had a sibling to play with. She had her cousins, Albert and Jessica, but to have a brother or sister would have been nice. She played well alone. She would sit and play with her dolls or play with the dogs or we would read together. As most kids do, she would ask for a brother or sister. Unfortunately it never happened.

When she was 18 years old she met a young man named Devon. We live in Northern California and he lived in Southern California but they communicated over the phone or internet. On one of our trips to Southern California my daughter asked her dad if he would mind picking up Devon so he could spend some time with us. I was not thrilled but there was nothing my husband would not do for TiAnna, so we picked this young man up. We spent some time at Universal City Walk…had a nice dinner and walked around. Like I said before, I was less than thrilled but what could I do once he was already there? After a few hours, we took him home and that was that.

My daughter eventually married and moved away to Texas then to Mexico. She has given me two beautiful grand daughters, Mireya and Natalie. Her life is her own and she lives it to the fullest. I admire her for her zest for life and for living life on her terms. You can say she is my hero. I love my daughter with all my heart and my grand babies are my heart. I am a very proud mom and grandma.

Last year she made contact with Devon via Facebook. I am not sure at what point he and I became online friends, but we did. As time went by I started to see how “together” this young man was. He had grown up. I was in awe of how intelligent and hardworking he was. I guess I assumed he was just another knucklehead when I first met him. At that time my daughter was attracted to less than decent boys so I thought he was the same. Man was I ever wrong!

In the last year I have grown to know and love this young man. There is a strength and determination in him that leaves me in awe. He has overcome so much and has not allowed himself to become bitter or angry at what life has handed him. Devon lived with his grandparents for a while and his mother came in and out of his life. When his grandparents lost their home he ended up living in a park and trying to stay out of trouble. He kept going to school and eventually graduated. He did not want to become a statistic so he had to encourage himself to keep going. This young man lived through hell for years but continued to push forward.

Devon now has his own place, is a college graduate, a Chef, a kick boxer, the owner of one kick ass car and the father of a beautiful little boy. This summer he went to Hawaii for a competition and while he was there he taught himself to swim! I am convinced there is nothing he can not do! He knows what hard work is and is not afraid to try anything! He puts 100% into everything and everyone and expects nothing less in return. Devon strives to succeed in all he does and if he ever fails its not because he did not try. I am bragging aren’t I?

A few months back he asked if he could list me as his mother on Facebook. I cried. I know he does not know about the little boy I lost way back so he could not possibly know how much that one little act on FB meant to me. I love my “I love you mom” messages he leaves me and I enjoy seeing the pictures of him and his little boy. When he went to Hawaii I was like a nervous mom asking him to text me when he landed so I would know he was safe. And like a good son, he did.

I am a very blessed woman and I have so many things to be thankful for. I take nothing for granted and know only too well how temporal some things are. I value each and every person that comes into my life because God placed them there for a reason. Being thankful for my family is a given but this year I have to say I am thankful for my son Devon and the lessons he has taught me in the last year about strength and perseverance...and for Twinkies and strawberry milk!  God is good.

My Husband

You are my best friend

My life long partner

When I lost faith in love

You came into my life

We have struggled

And at times felt discouraged

But your gentle and calm ways

Always soothed and encouraged me

You have been my rock

My shoulder to cry on

Never once complaining

Only listening and consoling

Through the good and the bad

The ups and the downs

You have been there

Standing strong besides me.

Never once have you complained

About any of my downfalls

You accept me as I am

Imperfections and all

For all of these things

And for many more

I love you

And count myself

Beyond blessed

　

HAPPY BIRHTDAY TO MY BEST FRIEND…MY HOONYA

Tank Has Taught Me...

Tank is my very energetic 6 month old Pughuahua. To most people he is just a dog but to me he is an example of how I should live my life.
Tank wakes up every morning with a joy that I can only describe as Christmas morning gift opening joy! He jumps, runs and barks in delight when its time to get up.He looks at me with love and over looks the messy hair and the morning breath. How can you not love that?
Breakfast is never a disappointment to him, even if its just kibble.He sits and waits until I tell him to eat and then rushes in with such enthusiasm! He eats without complaints and at times asks for more. His loving kisses after wards are his thanks for a full belly.
The rest of his day is filled with playing, running and getting into trouble. He loves to chew...paper, shoes, moms bras and even moms glasses! When he gets caught doing a "No" he immediately rolls on his back in apology then comes and gives me kisses. He then turns around and finds something else to get into and we are back at square one!
Tank has taught me to view each day with excitement and awe. I've learned to not be picky and to be grateful for all I have. I should love everyone with an innocence of a child and never be afraid to humble myself and apologize for my wrong doing. The biggest lesson:Good food, good friends and fun is all we need to be happy. The rest is like a doggy treat....great to have but not needed to survive!

Just a Girl

I am not a writer. At least I don't think I am. What I am is a girl with the need to write. There is  a difference right? This need comes from the beatings I have taken from life, as well as the blessings it has given me. There is too much inside that needs to come out, that needs to be told.

My only hope from this is to share pieces of me and maybe bless someone along the way. I will not promise eloquent writing but I will promise honesty and emotion. I may not be or become an award winning writer but I do plan on being real and transparent.

So....here we go.